My Extended Essay Is Due Tomorrow

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Your fellow IBers look forward to your parties, attend them, and do actual studying there. Your pick-up lines include compliments on the quality of her (his) epidermis and the wonderful shape of her (his) occipital plate. You forget your brother's name because you haven't seen him in three years.

You have races with your friends to see who can say the entire periodic table of elements the fastest. You'd go into severe spasms if you ever lost your IB herd. You see your Extended Essay advisor more than you see your parents.

You've fooled yourself into believing that colleges actually care whether you're in IB or not. You try to wake up fast enough to catch yourself sleeping - and succeed.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. You have great revelations concerning Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow fades, leaving you more confused than before.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of school supplies. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to talk to yourself for the rest of the day. Your smile of satisfaction fades when you remember to start on your World Lit paper. You've sold your soul ⦠and have to wait 4 years to get it back. You cloned yourself so you could sell your clones' souls to each of your teachers. Desperate to fill up your CAS hours, you claim watching a black and white movie as "creativity" and walking your dog as "activity", and your teacher approves it. You have a special "test writing sweater" that you wore to all the IB exams. Your idea of impure thoughts is whether or not to copy math homework. You can count your first math quiz grade on one hand. You wonder if there's Spark Notes on the Calculus book. You don't really cheat - you just tell people the answers. Cheating became too difficult, so you took up telepathy. You manage to complete a semesters worth of homework the day before the term ends. You finish your extended essay shortly after midnight. You are already planning where your lockers will be next year. At least 4 of your classes (history, english, TOK, psychology) are talking about almost the same thing, or at least you think they are ... You start analyzing random books, song lyrics, and street signs. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before. You use your To K background to analyze Winnie the Pooh's Book of Quotations. When asked what significance Hitler had to Racial Social Darwinism, you say "Well, he didn't like Jews." 163. You've mastered the art of procrastination so well that your research paper finishes printing just seconds before you have to leave for school. You get to college and realize the classes you are taking seem really familiar. Your college professors' grading systems seem a little too lenient. You managed to write 4,000 words on the subject "Hitler was a nice guy, wasn't he? You've managed to get through an entire year of History of the Americas without reading one page of your test book. Your thesis for the Extended Essay is whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay. Your alternate thesis for the Extended Essay is why IB jokes/checklists are so prolific and the amount of fact contained within them. You can lead your way through a frog's intestines with your eyes closed. You have to stop twice and get gas to make it all the way to school. You've been out various times looking for the Abridged Cliff's Notes. You consider giving up going to the bathroom permanently to give you more time to study. Your backpack is only comfortable when it weighs 30 pounds. You have convinced your parents the "1" you received on your IB Chemistry exam was really the "top 1% of all IB students worldwide". You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to get in some extra cramming time to gain that "upper edge" on the rest of the class. Your idea of a 3 AM party game is analyzing the socio-political commentary in Dr. You complain about studying for your foreign language exam ...

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